You smell like a Billy Joel song
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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