just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
