good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
