My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Randomize
