Im at strip club and am horny
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
