she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
