Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
