wrigley field is MILF paradise
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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