my vag is so smooth its legendary
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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