you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
