my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize