I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
we should paint friendship bongs
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
