So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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