I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
