I cannot find my penis.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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