I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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