I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
