oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
