It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize