My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm too high and old for this...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
