I hope mine doesn't look like that
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
