My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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