My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
