the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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