Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
