i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
