I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
