the condom got lost in my hair
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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