i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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