New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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