We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
