It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize