His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
