I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You're like the curious george of whores
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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