why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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