Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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