All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Soap is not a condiment
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
