at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
