New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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