I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
