Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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