I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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