You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize