i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
