separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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