the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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