Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
