Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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