i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
