Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i wish my penis had a tongue
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
