You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
