im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just invented taco cereal.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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