Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
