Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
handjob tips. give me some.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
