I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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