Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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