I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
