I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Text me some of your sweat
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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