you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
