The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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